A question about triggers...

The answer is that when people are secure in their sobriety they realize the last thing they want is to be around people who are using and drinking and partying; part of the dilemma is that you don’t recognize how big a problem this is. When you are further along in recovery you will realize how distressing it is to be around your grandkids when they are immersed in a drug culture.

My advice is that if you want to visit with your grandchildren try to work out a scenario where you can take them out for the day but you don’t have to spend time with your daughter when she’s partying.  You can plan trips to the zoo, movies, or other events.

If your daughter still balks, take a gentle approach. First it’s important not to discuss this with your daughter when she is under the influence.   Keep the focus on your issues, not hers: ask her for support and to understand how difficult it is for you to be around drinking. Your daughter says she wants you to visit, and you want to visit, but it can’t work if you are around people who are high.  Emphasize that you are not criticizing them for what they’re doing, but if they care about you then they will respect the fact that it is very uncomfortable for you to be around people who are drinking or using drugs.

If you emphasize that this is your issue, not hers she may not feel like you are judging them.  You might also ask her if she has seen any improvement in your behavior – are you a better grandmother than you were a mother because you’re now sober?

Your sober life is most definitely worth finding a way to get through to your daughter without compromising your health and well being. And right now, you might be the sanest person in your grandkids' life. You don't want to take that away from them.