Partner Addiction

Good Morning Jill... I am a VERY grateful member of Al-Anon and have been for almost 9 years. I have come a long way, and am fully aware that I can never leave this program and that I will never graduate. For me, my recovery is a matter of life and death. I hear people talk about the drug addict and alcoholic, but what about our addiction to people, places, and things?

My relationships with men haven’t been much different than that of a drug addict with his drug. I have sold my soul, believed lies, and gone back to harmful situations over and over again, thinking that this time it’s going to be different, and last time wasn’t really that bad.

I don't self-mutilate, nor do I have the desire to self-medicate myself with unhealthy choices today. However, I still get frustrated with my thoughts and beliefs about myself. I think I understand there are functioning alcoholics and nonfunctioning alcoholics. I have been a nonfunctioning love addict and codependent.

Nonfunctioning in the sense that when I am practicing my disease, everything goes out the window. In the past I abandoned my kids, work, commitments, and whatever else I had perceived to being in the way of me practicing my addiction.

I still have hysterical moments which I like to remind myself “hysterical means historical.” I am very mad at my HP and world today. I have accomplished so much in my life, and am reminded of this daily and still don’t see it in me. Short story is that my own mother never loved me. It’s my perception and I so far am unable to shake this demon that wants to hold me hostage. Years of counseling hadn’t come close to what I have gotten from Al-Anon, working my steps, sponsoring other women, and being of service on an above group level. Deep down I still feel like if you really knew me, you wouldn’t love me or want me in your life. Sometimes I think our disease is under estimated and considered ridiculous. I am here to say it’s not, it’s real, it’s painful, and it takes a huge commitment to stick with it and face the painful past.

I have a future in front of me with great potential, and yet find myself trying to sabotage it with old thinking. I have a new book just published, been offered an hour on Hay House radio, and was just certified as a life coach. I have book signing engagements coming up, and I need help. The old tapes get very loud and want to fool me into believing I am not good enough and an imposter. sigh....