Sobriety and Trauma

I am sorry you had to find your nephew as you did.  It is important o know that the trauma and loss you experienced is just as profound as the trauma and loss experienced by your sister.  Yours is just different.  Too often we try to minimize what we have experienced by thinking someone else has it worse.

It sounds like you are experiencing symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  PTSD is not only seen in veterans returning from war.  When we have experienced a life shattering event that leaves us feeling helpless, these symptoms arise:

1. Re-experiencing the event through nightmares, flashbacks ( seeing and re-experiencing the event), physical reactions to reminders of the event.

2.Avoiding reminders of the trauma: inability to remember parts of the event, avoiding places or activities that would remind you of the trauma, Feeling emotionally numb

3. Increased anxiety and hyper vigilance: Difficulty sleeping, irritable, anger outbursts, jumpy, easily startled, difficulty concentrating.

All of these things are normal after a life altering trauma.  However, these symptoms are threatening your sobriety.  Please keep in mind that retuning to drinking will only increase the anxiety you feel and add your own shame and guilt related to your addiction on top of it all.

I would strongly recommend finding a trauma therapist who has experience working with addictions.  Look for an EMDR certified therapist.  EMDR is a very effective way to address single situation traumas.  You can find an EDMR certified therapist by going to http://www.emdria.org/  Click on the Find a Therapist tab. Trauma’s like this just don’t go away easily.  Your recovery is being threatened by this memory.  Protecting your recovery needs to be your highest priority. Along with therapy, go to meetings, talk to your sponsor, review your recovery plan.  Do all the things you need to do in your recovery as through you were first getting sober.